Michelle Tafoya says "No Betsy Ross... I suck!"

Producer Fruit Cup received this e-mail Monday night from a devastated Michelle Tafoya...

"No Betsy Ross... I suck!"
-- Michelle Tafoya, ESPN Monday Night Football

If you're a regular listener to The Big Show, you know that Michelle Tafoya from ESPN's Monday Night Football joins us every Monday before the game, and he gets a mission from us, as detailed in this column written by Tom Hoffarth and reprinted without his or anybody else's permission.

SOUNDING OFF
Tafoya's improv skills tested
BY TOM HOFFARTH, Columnist
Article Last Updated: 09/13/2007 10:50:33 PM PD

Dogged NFL sideline reporter Michele Tafoya tries not to miss a trick. Regrettably, she did so on the first ESPN "Monday Night Football" telecast of the season. But who really noticed?

In a radio stunt that has progressed now into its fourth season, KSPN-AM (710) afternoon "Big Show" co-hosts Steve Mason and John Ireland have brought Tafoya on every Monday during the NFL season and fed her a word or phrase that they devilishly hope she can work into one of her live on-air reports, enough to even crack up AlMichaels and John Madden in the booth.

Last week, it was "law and order," a phrase Mason and Ireland thought would be simple enough to squeeze in considering the police-blotter stained Cincinnati Bengals were facing the Baltimore Ravens.

"I failed," Tafoya said. "There were too many injuries to report on at the start of the game, and by the end it was such a close game and ... I failed."

The incentive for Tafoya to complete the not-so-top-secret task each week has been a $100 donation to the Humane Society of Minnesota, from either Ireland or Mason, based on Tafoya's love of animals. They estimate that since they started doing this in the 2004 season - even with aseason interrupted by Tafoya giving birth to a son two years ago - more than $2,000 has made its way to the charity.
Tafoya does her best to keep a straight face about all this, having stopped fearing her bosses would disapprove. In fact, Ireland says that what he's heard from ESPN people, they are thumbs-up on it and have as much amusement trying to see if she can get in the Groucho Marx-like word each week.

"Last year, I really had a career year," said Tafoya from her Minneapolis home, preparing for the next MNF stop in Philadelphia, where the Eagles host Washington. "But you can see what I'm up against each week. Sometimes the word looks easy, but I can't do it. But it's not for lack of trying.

"The first season I was really too paranoid about doing it, as well as being overwhelmed by the job. But it really doesn't mess with my mind as much as you'd think. The best are when we have a blowout and I can think about it and work it into the context of a report. I just go with the flow and see how it works.

"I know if I miss, the Humane Society will still get its money because of all I already donate."

Tafoya's link to Mason dates to 1993, when she auditioned to be his partner on a weeknight show at XTRA-AM (690). Tafoya sent her tape and resume to Jim Rome, who forwarded it to Mason, and that led to a tryout for a couple of nights. But all that came out of it was fellow sports-talk host Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton (not his real name) saying on the air: "That woman's not qualified to do my dishes."

You see where their careers have diverted since then.

Tafoya did sports-talk in Charlotte, N.C., and Minneapolis before her TV career catapulted, but her love for radio, and ties to Mason and Ireland, all contribute to her wanting to be part of this radio hooliganism.

"Radio is one of my favorite things on Earth, and those guys are really fun and balance each other out," Tafoya said. "It's hard to say no to them."

Ireland said the idea came to him because, back when he was doing games for the UCLA campus radio station, his fraternity brothers would feed him lines to get on the air.

"Anything short of profanity, I could work it in," Ireland said. "And that's all we're trying to give her, something that's not impossible but wouldn't come up in the course of a normal conversation.

"She's been a great sport about it. She's too smart to try to jam something in that won't work. It has to come naturally."

A game last year in Carolina, for example, got Mason and Ireland thinking about James Taylor songs ("Carolina In My Mind"), and the challenge to Tafoya was to work in a Taylor lyric. It was one of her most brilliant moments. During the snow-marred game, she did an injury update on a player who was cramping up and said: "Al and John, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, but I've never seen a guy get cramps in the snow." It even got the broadcasters to chuckle.

She worked in both "cheese steaks" and "cheese heads" during a Philadelphia-Green Bay game, and that was worth a double donation.

"A couple of times last year, she'd say the word and let out a slight giggle, because she was happy she got it out and it was in the right context," said "Big Show" producer Dave Singer.

"The minute they give it to me, I have a good feeling about whether I can get it in or not," she said. "As long as we all can have fun with it, it's all good."

I personally thought that Betsy Ross would be piece of cake for a "wordsmith" like "The Great Tafoya." The game was in Philadelphia, and Betsy Ross' house there is a national landmark. It's where she sewed the first American flag. Apparently no dice.

There were boos in Philly for Donovan McNabb after the Redskins beat the Eagles 20-12. Maybe we should have given Michelle the mission of saying "Santa Claus". That would've been a gimme (although Betsy Ross would probably get booed in Philadelphia too).

By the way, I mentioned my Aunt Madge on the show today. It is absolutely true that she used to run numbers for the mob. Whether my cousin's husband got "whacked" by the mob has never been completely confirmed or denied, but it's part of my family lore.